Of Secrets and Secretaries
by thedastardlysonya42
Summary: Erskine Ravel is in a bind. A real good one. When a romantic interest from his past re-enters his life, things are turned upside-down, in more ways than one...
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Another one! I apologize in advance, Anton Shudder is horribly OOC, but after reading things by the great Reia Kellyn, I simply can't write him any other way. Also, the sloth gag belongs to her, and is from her fanfic Skulbook. All characters (sob) belong to Derek Landy.**

Chapter 1

Erskine Ravel was, to put it lightly, swamped. As in about to be trampled to death by a swarm of impatient and disgruntled mages all waving packets of paperwork, all of them trying to fit themselves into his office at once.

"I gave you this last week"-

"…_inconceivabley_ important"-

"Who elected you any wa"-

"SHUT UP!"

Ravel glared at the crowd, now that he had they're attention. "Now, I realize that _each and every _one of you seem to have a world ending problem, and I assure you, I will _get_ to you. Now, can you all please step out into the hall so I can have a conversation with Mr. Bespoke?"

There was a lot of grumbling, pushing and complaining, but a few minutes later, Ravel had managed to hustle the crowd outside and lock his door.

"Told you we shouldn't have signed up for this," Ghastly smirked as Ravel turned back to him.

"Not like we had a choice," Ravel reminded him, sitting back down behind his desk and kicking his feet up. He glanced up, and as a second thought, twitched his hand, yanking down the blinds over the window of the door so he didn't have to watch all the dirty looks he was getting.

"True… how long are you planning on leaving them out there?" Ghastly asked.

Ravel shrugged. "Until the Cleavers show up and escort them all out for making a scene."

Ghastly laughed. "And all the end of the world disasters?"

"Skulduggery's number is on the door."

"For which he wanted me to _sincerely _thank you."

Ravel smirked. "Yeah, well, I'm sure he can cope."

"I don't know, Erskine… he'll probably murder all of them."

Ravel's smile dimmed. "You really, really want me to clear them out of there, don't you?"

Ghastly nodded. "Glad to see that you can finally take a hint."

Ravel groaned, and removed his feet from his desktop. "I need a secretary. No- I need a security guard. Why aren't either of those provided?"

"Just last week you told Anton Shudder that Secretaries and Guards were for slackers and pansies," Ghastly said dryly.

Ravel frowned as he remembered. "That was only because he was on me about the sloth again. I swear that thing is rabid."

Ghastly rolled his eyes. "Erskine, it's a sloth. It barely moves."

"YOU WEREN'T THERE LAST CHRISTMAS!"

Ghastly instantly put up his hands. "All right, all right!"

"_Thank_ you."

Ghastly pulled open the door and people started pouring back into the room. "I'll look into getting you a secretary. In the meantime…"

"Yeah, yeah, I know," Ravel said as he was pushed back by the crowd. "Hold down the fort."

Ghastly gave a sarcastic salute and headed out the door.

"So I hear you're in the market for a Secretary… funny how things change," Anton Shudder smirked as he and Ravel rode the elevator up and out of the Sanctuary.

Ravel sulked against the wall, arms crossed. "I was nearly _stampeded_, Anton," he grumbled.

Shudder smirked to himself and said nothing.

There was a long silence, and then:

"Well, if you get to pick, make sure she's hot, and then introduce her to m"-

"Anton! Can you stop being a pervert for two minutes?"

"Yeah, but that's no fun."

Ravel rolled his eyes and stepped out of the elevator as it stopped. "Need a ride?" he offered.

Shudder nodded. "That would be great. It'll give us more time to discuss the up and coming addition to floor number twelve."

"Offer withdrawn," Ravel grumbled, and hustled over to his car.

Shudder laughed, but halted as he saw his friend was serious. "NO! Wait! Erskine! I seriously need a ride! Don't"-

He sighed as Ravel's car rolled out of the lot.

"Leave me here," he finished.

He turned on his heel, grumbling, and headed back into the sanctuary. Maybe he could mooch a ride off Ghastly.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: I'm really going to town here! Whoo! Drop a review!**

Chapter 2

"You're late."

Ravel looked up from juggling his morning coffee mug, today's paper and a stack of papers that had been dumped on him unceremoniously by Madam Mist as soon as he stepped through the door.

"You think I don't know that?" Ravel snapped as his mug tipped precariously towards his white shirt.

"I was early today. You know why? Because _I never left_."

Ravel rolled his eyes. "Anton, if you really wanted a ride, you should have behaved yourself. We've been over this."

Shudder smirked. "You can't _tame_ the un_tamable_."

"_Please_. You run a _hotel_ for goodness sakes."

"That's right. A _hotel_. You know what some people do in"-

Ravel stopped short, managing to hold out a hand towards Shudder. "Do _not_ finish that sentence. I honestly don't even know why I'm friends with you."

"Well I know why I hang out with _you_," Shudder countered. "Next to you, _I_ look like a catch."

"Why." Ravel asked himself as Shudder disappeared around the corner. "Why do I put up with him."

"I'm irresistible!" Shudder yelled over his shoulder.

"Oh _do_ shut up."

His only answer was a laugh.

Ravel craned his neck forward to slurp up a sip of coffee, but just as he was about to, somebody slammed into his back and the entire mug of coffee cascaded down his shirtfront.

"Dammit!" he cursed, wiping at the dark stain.

"Sorry, pardon me… coming through, make a hole…" Valkyrie Cain continued down the hall.

"Oh, hi Ravel! Looks like you got a mess. Did you hear the good news? Ghastly found you a Secretary!"

Ravel looked up from his brushing just in time to see Valkyrie disappear into the crowd. Figures.

He straightened his papers, hooking his empty mug around his finger. He was just about to take a step when the top paper fluttered, and then took off down the hall.

"What in the…"

As he watched, the rest of the papers lifted, flying erratically about his head.

"Skulduggery!" he grouched, grabbing fistfuls of paper out of the air. "Not a good time."

The Skeleton stepped out from behind him, a single paper in his hand. "Good morning to you too. Looks like help is on the way… oh is it ever. Ghastly's sure a clever one, isn't he?"

Ravel frowned and made a grab for the paper Skulduggery held in his hand. "What are you on about?"

Ravel got the impression that if he had a face, Skulduggery would have been grinning rather mischievously. "He hasn't _told_ you… oh this is going to be _good_."

"_What's_ going to be good?" Ravel demanded, snatching the paper and shoving it into his pocket.

Skulduggery ignored him. "My telling you would ruin all the fun. You know, you were a lot more fun before you took this job."

"You voted for me," Ravel grumbled, keeping pace with the detective as he headed down the hall towards his office.

"A moment of mental instability," Skulduggery said. "Have you seen my assistant? I wouldn't want her to miss the opportunity to see you in a rage."

"A rage? What are you on?"

"I'm a Skeleton, Erskine. I can't consume anything, much less illicit pharmaceuticals. Honestly, I would have thought more of you."

Ravel groaned. "_What_ is everyone talking about this morning?"

As if on cue, Ghastly stepped out of Ravel's office, blocking his way into it.

"Good news," he said. "I have found you a secretary. This is where you thank me."

"Thank you. First thing that's gone my way this morning." He made to enter his office, but Ghastly side stepped, blocking his path.

"But…"

Ravel deflated a bit. "I hate the sound of that."

Ghastly looked incredibly uncomfortable. "Well, Erskine… not just anyone has the Security clearance to be secretary to the Grand Mage…"

"Spit it out, Bespoke."

"No, I don't think that would be a good idea here. You see, it takes a certain kind of person who would be willing to work with someone such as yourself as well"-

A disgruntled snort-

-"But luckily the young lady who will be assisting you had been working in the Vault- ample clearance. I believe you two used to… _know_ each other…"

A tingle started to spread through Ravel… part excitement, part doubt… but mostly dread.

"Ghastly… who exactly did you hire?" he asked slowly.

"Maybe you should see for yourself."

Ravel thought he saw a flash of auburn hair, and that was enough incentive for him to plunge his hand into his pocket and pull out the discarded paper.

The top said Secretary request.

And underneath that was the name Evangeline Rue.

Slack jawed and utterly horrified, Erskine looked up to meet the gaze of a flaming red haired, bespectacled woman.

"Been a long time, hasn't it Erskine."

His coffee cup dropped to the floor and shattered.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Another chapter, faithful reviewers! Let me know what you think! I might have gotten the quote Shudder uses wrong… forgive me.**

Chapter 3

"You've got to be screwing with me. Ghastly hired _her_?"

Ravel winced as Shudder's voice carried around the cafeteria. "Shhh… everybody is already wondering why the Grand Mage is eating in here."

Shudder grinned. "Please. You're way over reacting… Your Grace."

Ravel scowled at him and speared a bit of lettuce rather violently. "Please don't call me that."

"It gets funnier every time."

Ravel sighed and twirled his fork around in a mound of dressing. "Look, Anton, please? Just go work with her for a while."

Shudder laughed. "And spare you the delight? I think not, good fellow."

Erskine glared at him. "Seriously. I can't work with her. Not at all. Well, at least not yet. Not before I have a plan."

"Geez, fine then. I don't get what the big deal is… all you've done is break a mug at her so far. You haven't gotten to know her!"

Ravel glared dryly at his friend. "Really. Really? You haven't figured it out yet?"

Shudder laughed. "Figured what ou…. WHAT. It's _HER_? _Her_ Her?"

Ravel nodded miserabley. "You would think a couple hundred years would take the edge off…"

Shudder chuckled. "Oh this is going to be great. You're going to lose your mind." He leaned forward on the cafeteria table. "Alright, Sparky, here's the deal," he whispered dramatically. "You wanna be a straight shooter ya gotta shoot straight, do ya got it?"

Ravel wasn't amused. "That doesn't work there."

Anton shrugged and leaned back in his seat. "But it sounded good."

"So will you do it?"

Shudder pretended to look pensive. "Well, seeing as you spilled your second cup of coffee today on me and left me here last night, I'm going to lean towards _no_."

Ravel slumped. "Whyyyy nottt?" he whined.

Shudder grinned. "Because this way is way more fun."

Ravel crashed the rest of the way over, face on the table.

"Don't look now…" Shudder said a few seconds later, "But I spy with my little eye something HOT."

Ravel shoved him. "Go. Run interfearance. Do SOMETHING!"

Anton just leaned back and chuckled.

The Red-Head on a mission stopped at the two men's table.

Ravel opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. "Uhhh…" he finally managed.

Shudder finally cut in, grinning, eyes firmly in place near the second button of her blouse. "Hey, hot stuff," he smirked.

Ravel kicked him under the table. "Get a grip!"

"On that amazing a"-

"I'm right here you know."

Ravel jumped. She sounded exactly how he remembered. Only this time she wasn't screaming at him. Yet.

"Well, I'm going to be heading off," Shudder said casually. "You two have _fun_…" Wink.

"Anton don't you dare!"

But he was already gone.

"Careful. Wouldn't want me thinking that you didn't want to spend time with me."

Ravel steeled himself, and looked up at Evangeline. "You've changed," he managed, looking at her black skirt and blazer, and delicate bun.

She smirked. "You haven't."

Ravel frowned, not knowing whether to be complimented or insulted.

"You should be insulted."

Ravel looked back up. "What… never mind. Always creeped me out how you could do that."

Evangeline rolled her eyes. "Your filing system belongs in hell."

"Hang on, hang on. How've you been? It's been a long time."

"Two hundred years isn't that long."

"I'm trying to make polite conversation here. Take it while it lasts."

Evangeline crossed her arms. "I was the only eligible one to work your little fruit stand. Don't think I'm any happier about it than you are."

"There has got to be at least one other person," Ravel persisted.

"Erskine, I've been working in the Vault for the past three years. You don't get more clearance than that."

Ravel's jaw dropped. "You worked in the _Vault_? They let you_ near_ it? I thought you would be off… you know… killing stuff."

Evangeline smirked. "You would think that wouldn't you."

Then, both moving at once, they lunged for each other, lips crashing together.

Pulling the pin out of her bun, Ravel ran his hands through Evangeline's hair as it cascaded down her shoulders.

They stumbled back over to the table and crashed over onto it, still kissing frantically.

"Hell-o-o…" A hand waved in front of Ravel's glassed over eyes. He shook his head back to reality, shaking of the insane daydream.

"Whut?" he said un-intelligently.

"I _said_ are you going to come help me fix your bloody awful mess or not?"

Ravel nodded, wiping his mouth on his napkin and dumping the remains of salad in the trash. "Coming."

Evangeline gave a tight nod, and turned for the door.

Watching her back as she left, Ravel realized the terrible truth.

He wanted her back.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Tah Dah! More! Please leave a Review! Reviews make me happy **

Chapter 4

"What do you even call this? I mean… it's _nonsense_!" Evangeline ranted, flapping her arms at Ravel's file cabinet, the bottom drawer of which was home to his snacks and various pranking devices.

"It's not like I'm an expert," Ravel grumbled, checking the clock. It had been ten whole minutes since they started, and he already felt like dying. So he did the natural thing and crossed the room to the coffee machine.

"Get back over here," Evangeline instantly admonished.

"No. I'm the Grand Mage. I do what I want."

She rolled her eyes, and threw a file folder at him. It bounced off his arm and tipped his coffee mug.

"Thanks for that," he grumbled.

Evangeline smiled. "Any time. Back to work."

Ignoring her, Ravel poured himself another coffee. "Care to join me? I don't bite."

Evangeline sat on the desk, smoothing down her shirt. "No thanks. You might be diseased, I haven't decided yet."

Ravel put a hand to his chest dramatically. "A woman's cruelty. But I make an awesome cappuccino."

Grinning, Evangeline passed him the pot of sugar. "When you don't spill it on yourself, that is," she said.

Dumping three scoops of sugar into one mug, Ravel handed it over. "You never answered my question, you know."

"What question?"

"How've you been?"

Evangeline set down her mug after one sip. "Erskine, just because I work for you doesn't mean we're magically friends again. _Or_ anything more."

Ravel frowned at her. "And why not?"

"Because I'm not _easy_."

The Mage looked confused, and Evangeline grinned. "I know what you were thinking in the cafeteria, and let me tell you, it's _not_ going to happen."

Ravel grinned. "We'll just see about that."

Before she could reply, Ravel's phone rang.

"Yeah… wait- what? You're kidding me. No way. Uh-huh. Right on it."

He hung up and turned to Evangeline, a smile on his lips. "So where were we?"

"I was over here, and you were groveling for my love surruptitiously."

She turned her back, leaving Ravel frowning.

"You're not at all curious about that call?"

"No." Evangeline said through gritted teeth. Truth is she was dying to know.

She heard Ravel take a sip of his coffee. "I'm going to tell you anyways. Couple of spores from this new virus got loose."

Evangeline jumped, spinning around. "Seriously? Already? A disaster?"

Ravel shrugged. "This is a busy place. Don't think you can handle it?"

Evangeline planted her hands on her hips. "Oh, I know _I _can. But you've just proved that you can't, Mr. Fancy Pants Grand Mage."

Glaring at her, Ravel spun around and started flipping through a file.

Evangeline also flounced around and continued her organizing. Goodness she hated this job.

A few minutes of awkward silence went by, and then there was a knock at the door.

"Got it," Ravel and Evangeline said at the same time. They glared at each other.

"I'm the secretary," Evangeline defended herself.

"Which means I'm your boss," Ravel shot back.

Evangeline ignored him and pulled the door open. "Grand Mage's office," she said.

A very blonde woman was waiting outside. "Hi. I was hoping to see the Grand Mage?"

Evangeline peered closer. "Tanith?"

Tanith Low looked closer at Evangeline, and her face flickered to an unreadable emotion before she pasted a smile on her face. "Evie! It's been far too long!"

Evangeline smiled and stepped the rest of the way into the hall. "I've been getting that a lot."

Tanith smirked. "Yeah, never thought I'd see the day when you looked like_ that_. What's with the skirt?"

"Oh cheers," Evangeline said, rolling her eyes.

"GET BACK IN HERE! WHAT COMES AFTER Q?"

"TAKE A PILL!"

The door of the office started to open into the hall, but Evangeline kicked it closed again. There was a clearly audible "OW!" that followed. "So what brings you here? Don't tell me Sanguine is back. Remember when he tried to get us to go out on that double date with him?" Evangeline laughed.

Tanith burst out giggling. "Oh gosh… how could I forget _that_…"

Ravel coughed and shoved at the door. "Ex_cuse_ me…"

He was ignored.

"And that other time with the goblins… nasty little things. They stole your glasses and you couldn't tell up from down!" Tanith laughed.

"And then they almost ate you because my idiot brother and glasses-less me were on watch duty."

"You have a brother?" Ravel squawked.

That got both women's attention.

"Did I say brother? I meant… uh… hover," Evangeline said after a pause.

Ravel gave the door another shove and Evangeline pressed her back to it, determined not to let him have his way. "That makes no sense. Let me _out_!"

"OH WELL," Evangeline interrupted, grabbing Tanith by the arm and hauling her out the door.

"Where are you going?" Ravel demanded.

"Don't get your panties in a bunch. I'll be back in ten minutes."


End file.
